Today the vlog goes up from our weekend injections. Having cramps and intermittent pink to red bleeding is dulling my normally sunny disposition, but with Amy by my side I am getting through it.
The shots are almost easier to do myself, because by now they have become a sort of evening ritual:
I wash up, set out my supplies, ask my partner to get out the supplies I forgot (okay, it’s not always easier by yourself), 1,2,3 breathe and inject, rub any additional oil on my wrists (why? no idea), and clean up the mess, sorting the used needles, trash, and recyclables into their respective receptacles. Then I sit down with my still-warm rice sock and treat myself to a hot cocoa and a television show with Amy before bed. It’s become my evening “church”.
So…on shot #25 when my wife grabbed the syringe out of my hand and uncapped the needle as I was sitting down post-injection, I got a bit upset, as you can see on the vlog. This is my reaction when I am at the end of a long day and things just still aren’t going as planned.
There is some adrenaline pumping after a self-administered injection in your bum, and this progesterone is throwing everything about me just a little “off”; my hair is extra oily, my skin is extra sweaty, and I am washing our bedding two to three times a week, to the point I have written “sheets” on next week’s shopping list. And on top of all of that, I am leaking this gross melty-aspirin-like endometrin suppository and have been wearing pads for a month so far. Every so often I will have a series of small rolling cramps similar to the beginning of a menstrual cycle. I go to the bathroom and see blood occasionally, sometimes spotting and sometimes a heavier but not quite “full” flow.
Living on the edge of your seat and wondering if your life is about to change is exhausting. We have 9 more days until our OB appointment at our clinic. If it’s looking good, we will be discharged from care; we’ll be on our own to find our doctor of choice for the remainder of our pregnancy. If it’s bad news, we remain patients of Seattle Reproductive Medicine which is the best place to be during our struggles but I will be happier to GO!
The “Bossy” vlog starts out with the previous evening’s injection; we were at a fancy dinner with Canyon’s grandparents which took longer to course out than we had anticipated. We rushed home to do our injections 45 minutes later than normal, which also put me in a foul mood. I told Amy to just leave me be and put the babe down while I did my own quick injection. I was almost shaking mad for being so late on our injection. To the point I don’t want to leave the house ever again after 4 pm until our shots are done! The feeling of fear and disappointment and anxiety and insecurity is manifesting as anger and I know that. I don’t want to be angry.
Deep down, I am. I am angry my friends cycle just failed. I am angry another dear friend is bleeding 3 weeks after losing her baby after similar strong beta numbers. I am mad that I am bleeding after a fourth IVF transfer, five embryos and 7 IUI’s. I don’t think I can handle losing this baby, but I see the strength in our TTC community and I am so grateful to these women, and inspired.
We will keep sharing our journey, even in these unflattering moments where I look like a self-confessed smelly jerk. I will also be packing a PIO kit to take next time we have an evening event, though I would honestly rather be in the comfort of my own home. (Plus, I find that not warming the oil causes me a slower injection and more bleeding, so I would rather be home with access to a warm, dry compress).
I am sure we will be doing cold PIO shots in the car by the time this is all over, but as long as I can avoid it, I am going to try!
Partners of IVF women: you da real M.V.P.’s.
“I’m Bossy” vlog, now on YouTube.