Feeling Hopeful – PIO Shots at 5w5d

Injection 26 was easy peasy, no bleeding post-injection and no spotting/cramping for Mama for a couple days. Either this is a bad joke, or we actually still have a shot at this pregnancy thing!

It’s somewhat difficult to see family being so excited for us after our news was shared. Asking the due date, etc. (which most people know is a rough estimate anyway, but to someone in the TTC world that simple question makes our head spin. It’s like why do you get a solid answer on when the baby will be here? I’m not even sure there IS one in here, or that it will ‘stick’ beyond the first trimester). If not for our TTC channel, I would not tell ANY family or friends or neighbors until we were at least twenty weeks for this exact reason. It’s often the same people whom have asked for due dates, that force a “don’t worry” and some anecdote about one of their friends, after we experience our own failure. In this sense, I often wish we had remained private, but we are trying to let the good outweigh the bad in sharing our daily lives online, and most days it still does. The TTC community “gets” it, so it has been easier to share.

As people we are close to IRL find our channel and blog, it becomes increasingly difficult to pen or speak my true emotions. Many people don’t understand fully the struggle we have gone through, and that we don’t really appreciate false hopes and rose colored glasses. We have the information and experience to justify what we are feeling; sometimes it is okay to be disappointed and wallow in sadness when you flush wads of cash and time and emotions  down the drain. Not everything has to be ‘okay soon’. Especially hard to swallow when it’s coming from a straight relative who has never had to think about fertility assistance or hear “sorry” a dozen times. I simply cannot handle one more “relax and it will happen”.

People are more excited for us than we are, naturally; after 4 years of let downs and one success after 10 doctor-assisted fertility procedures it’s easy to be jaded. Though I am grateful beyond belief that we “passed” two beta tests with numbers that showed proper doubling time (in our case, even threefold), there is still that doubt that has kept nagging at my wife and I.

Last weekend, we decided to take our very first “bump” photo, though there is nothing to be seen and I cried after the photo, thinking “I don’t want to get attached yet”. Unless you have been in my shoes, you can’t fully understand the emotional roller coaster. If you are a TTC sister, you understand. We’ve shared stories and messages about our fears. One anonymous friend confessed she didn’t bond with her pregnancy or even her newborn after a traumatic TTC and birth experience. Unfortunately, this is the reality that people don’t want to talk about.

It is my hope that by being honest and sharing my story unabashedly will bring awareness to the very real struggles many LGBT couples and straight couples face, in growing their family. IVF is not a guaranteed fix all. Asking people ‘who the Dad is’ is never okay. And if the pregnant person you are slapping on the  back and offering a cigar to blushes and tells you to wait until they get to their very first OB ultrasound… well, maybe I saved that poor person from you, if you are reading this!


Happy Tuesday everyone!

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