Patiently Waiting

Seconds after the doppler wand caressed my lower abdomen, I heard the sweet and familiar sound. “There it is; there’s your baby!” I smiled, soaking in the best sound I had heard all week: thu-thump thu-thump.

Today’s appointment was with midwife Val and her apprentice, Rochelle. I was doing a clinic ‘drive by’ as they call it, a quick scan for the heartbeat, midway between our monthly appointments. If we had a doppler at home, I wouldn’t need to come in, but something about our second pregnancy has found me more patient – so we chose not to purchase one.

In between heartbeat scans, I have filled my days with playing with my ever-curious and into-everything ten month old; I simply don’t have the time to worry my days away! Heck, I haven’t even done a pregnancy update video for three weeks – we have simply been in our own little bubble over here.

Soon, I should feel movement internally as the baby continues to grow and develop; shortly after that, our midwife schedule will transition to bi-weekly appointments. For now I am trying to be positive and look forward to each visit instead of wondering, “what if there’s no heartbeat” every twenty minutes, a la our first pregnancy, where we were constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In a weird way, I feel like I am enjoying this pregnancy a bit more, especially knowing it is our last. Two children is more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed for, and I am in a constant state of awe that it is actually a reality, after 5 years and all the help in the world. The weeks are flying by – I feel like I barely have time to capture a weekly belly shot, but have managed to at least get those photos taken.

We have given all of our past TTC attempts all we had, including all of our worries and doubts. Now that we are in the second trimester, there is a certain feeling of ‘letting go’. I am able to just be happy hearing that sweet heartbeat – it is just a pure blessing, instead of a relief of all the things I had been worrying could be ‘wrong’ with my child in utero. For now, everything ‘looks good’, which is more than I could ask for.

We are still awaiting our second scan, which will be the anatomy/gender scan around 20 weeks. Until then, we are not requesting any additional testing or ultrasounds, which is different than last time – we had started out with an O.B. before switching to midwifery around 32 weeks due to not ‘feeling’ our doctor. The first visit with her we had gotten ultrasounds and a few photos of our growing babe (around 12 weeks), which was not the case this go-round!

In fact, friends and family seem to be more anxious to see inside this belly than we are! I don’t blame them – perhaps time is moving more slowly in their worlds. 😀

We are feeling happy, hopeful, and optimistic, and waiting patiently for our gender reveal scan, which will remain a surprise to us until our gender reveal party, just after Canyon’s first birthday.

There is still the reality that we will become too high-risk for the birth center – last time, three weeks before our due date, we experienced PROM (premature rupture of membranes) paired with pre-eclampsia, and were checked into the hospital and hooked up to pitocin. We had cried together, knowing we wouldn’t have the birth experience we had hoped for, but so glad to be moments away from meeting the one who would make us moms. Again, I would be humbled – this wasn’t what I expected but it was the way things were supposed to be. Hearing Canyon’s first wail was the best day on record, and our days have been a little brighter with him in our lives.

Becoming pregnant (twice!) was one of the biggest and most rewarding challenges of my life. My wife agrees that she wouldn’t take it back either, but boy did we have some rough days! We are still holding out for the birth center, but keeping an open mind this time. We would be beyond blessed to have another healthy, happy child – how s/he gets here is the least of my concerns at this point! This journey is a day-by-day process, and we continue to look forward with hopeful hearts to our birth center / natural birth.

In October, our family will be complete and we will end the TTC season of our lives, though we will continue to remember our sisters in arms forever. I sometimes wonder if I will ever forget the toll that trying to conceive took on us, as the years tick on. Like any difficult journey, it often feels like a dream to me: did we really go through all of that?

Thank you to everyone who rooted for us along the way. We will continue to share our journey with you in months to come.



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