My Pickle Needs A First Name

It’s week 16 and baby is the size of a dill pickle. The best news this month has to be finally finding a nanny that I’m quite happy about – I didn’t even cry on the first day of dropping him off! I had been worried about justifying spending the cash while also being a stay at home Mama…but the amount of chores/tasks/extras I can get done when I have some solid chunks of time is worth every last penny. I already can’t believe how much I was able to get accomplished in three days this month without carrying, entertaining, feeding, cleaning, or trying not to wake a baby.

Not to mention our nanny-share kids are the best. Each week he gets to spend time with his full genetic siblings! They go to the zoo, music class, parks, and even the local landfill for fun and free activities, which drastically reduces the mom guilt associated with leaving him. Our nanny share house is baby-proofed and immensely fun, and seeing him playing with other kids always warms my heart.

I know he is in confident, capable hands; I am SO glad I let my wife talk me into this – she was seeing me day in and day out over the last year, stressed from trying to keep a perfect house and immaculate child, while dipping my own head into the sink occasionally when shower time was not an option.

She sees my eyes widen in horror when I behold the inside of my car: not bad by most standards, but definitely not pre-baby status, complete with spare cheerios in the console and pacifiers in the side doors (and usually an old cup or two that require an extra pair of hands that just never seem to be there when it comes time to unload). Still, having someone in my home didn’t feel right (um, I’m trying to clean here!) and paying money felt wrong (um, I’m a stay at home mom this is my job). Still – she insisted; when the perfect opportunity presented itself, we jumped.

She knows I wanted to paint that train table, finish making party decorations, put away dishes as quickly and loudly as I want without waking anyone up, help plan a baby shower, bathe the dog, pull weeds, vacuum out the car, knock down a wasp nest, go car shopping without a stroller or a sticky, screaming, still-adorable-but-OMG child in tow… all the things that have been piling up around my ears as I wait for nap-times that are less frequent and shorter these days than ever before. Yeah…my child has F.O.M.O., just like his other Mom. If there is a hint in the air of something fun, good luck sleeping. Me? 8 hours, please.

Single moms holding it all down: I bow down to you.

In similar news: We finally reached our 1K sub threshold on YouTube. This reinstated our partnership status, which is exciting. We never imagined a thousand people being all that interested in our day to day lives, but here we are. We have plans to meet a same sex couple touring Seattle from Sweden next month, who we have met through the TTC community.

We have met vloggers in Los Angeles, and have tentative plans to meet with a few more people this summer. We met with a new friend for burgers awhile back, and it was sweet when she offered to hold him so I could eat with two hands! I also shared lunch and great conversation with a lady and her two sweet daughters, when we rendezvoused for an IVF meds exchange downtown. We have plans to get together again before the new addition arrives. All these friends, just from putting ourselves out there and telling our story!

It feels nice to have friends who ‘get’ it. It being the struggle of giving up your personal life and your not-so-spare change to try to start your family for years and years. It being the aftermath of all that draining emotion and an empty bank account and a tired smile. I can be myself, and speak openly – and they get it. Likewise, I enjoy being a sound-wall for others, hearing their stories and holding their secrets, letting them get it off their chest while remaining anonymity. I get it, too.

Speaking of conception: This growing baby is getting harder and harder to smuggle, yet I am not quite into my maternity clothes yet. Last pregnancy, I stubbornly wore my favorite jeans until the zipper would no longer close. I had successfully ruined them for my post pregnancy body, and I still can’t manage to pull them off, as the legs and hips have actual stretch marks through the denim. Oops! I have already retired this season’s favorite pair of jeans to avoid that debacle come Spring 2019.

2019. Are we already talking about next year?

Okay, slow down. Another cup of decaf. It’s 7 a.m. and my crib baby is stirring. Still waiting to feel the little one growing inside, but I imagine he’s up, too. I also imagine it’s a he. Amy and I both tend to refer to the bump as a ‘little brother’ so maybe our respective intuitions are on point. Or maybe we will be completely surprised at the gender reveal party!

Let’s just focus on one thing at a time. Today’s list: Deep clean kids room and playroom, install the room-darkening curtains in the nursery, and finish our registry for next month’s sprinkle/reveal.

How blessed we are despite the struggle is not lost on us. In fact, we feel more blessed, knowing how close we were to not being parents at all. As we watch our dear friends struggle to start their own family, we continue to be active in the TTC community by vlogging and blogging when we can, sharing encouragement and witnessing pain.

It’s sometimes unbelievable to me, the things we went through for these precious babes. But we both agree we’d do it again in a heartbeat. You know – with a guarantee, and all!

To all our TTC sisters – our hearts are with you, today and always.



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